Monday, July 29, 2013

How to Not Get A Date

I'm a single, financially independent, career oriented, thirty something woman and despite residing in what I like to think of as a more mature age bracket, I still find myself approached in all manner of locations by men, young and older, who are hoping to score a date with me. Some are pretty terrific about it, and their nervous, awkward, or subtle and nuanced approach is usually rewarded.

Then there are others, like those below, who say such out of the world odd ball things that to not write them down somewhere would be a travesty..... as would dating any of them very seriously.

In Grocery Store (Long haired granola guy who clearly knows avocados)
"Hey, you look like you might know about picking out an avocado, and I don't, so wanna help me squeeze some?" 

In a gym (bodybuilder):
"You ever date a bodybuilder? My last girlfriend dumped me because I got into bodybuilding. I used to be all scrawny but now I'm not and I need a girl who's okay with that."

In line at coffee shop (Weird Hipster guy who didn't think I knew The Princess Bride):
"Man, your eyes are so blue. They're like the sea after a storm."

In a sports bar (guy in camo Oakland Raiders ballcap):
"I bet you look great when you're holding a gun. I should take you shooting sometime."
In San Francisco at a nightclub (guy who also appeared to have no body hair):
"You must be a Republican, I don't see any body hair." 

In the commissary at a studio in LA:
"You're not an actress are you? You don't look like one." 

At an event in Beverly Hills (he was a cosmetic dentist, and it was actually our third date):
"I think you're really intelligent and I absolutely want to keep dating you, but I can tell you're really insecure, and I can help you with that." 

At another fundraising event in LA (he was a real estate agent):
"I want to take you to dinner and then drive you around and show you all my high end listings."

And my personal favorite, and most recent one: 

In a coffee shop in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan:
"I once caught a fish as big as you."

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